lost in the red
i know not what is wrong. have been chasing my tail, nay suspect i’ve been reduced to laying sprawled on a cold concrete floor, rendered unconscious from the beating of the everyday. it doesn’t translate well or perhaps too well into an incessant throbbing in the right temple. have to speak plainly, too often have i spoken in rehearsed circles so that my words now hold no meaning and are as empty as my soul. shriveled and seeking. no longer an absolution but perhaps something else, which my finger has not found. why i ceased writing i know not either. perhaps it was easier not to know what was, what is, what runs the wheels in my head and so i shroud myself in this eternal rage that does not abate even with the gentlest of cajoles. that builds and which i fear will only explode in a horrible bloody mess. does my heart still desire him? or has it been reduced to a stubborn stupidity that has neither recourse nor sense to seek one? i do not know. do i abhor this life or negate it from habit? do i feel or parade the semblance of emotion? do i care? sincerely? genuinely? or enjoy i this dance i have made up so that i may forever partake of this lockstep, a prison of my own making? what of this life i seem to be seeking? where does it lead? a vast open space i hope so that i may make out a path with my heavy feet. too much runs through my head yet too little makes sense or that i have skirted the issues too long that the surface will soon crack. perhaps why i return to this. i will not break yet i will, not that i willed it so but that it comes to pass out of evasion, dishonesty and illusion. this frustration that i carry of the world i see, i wonder why you see it not. do you not see what we are doing? that we are all culpable for the ruin of the world and the deaths of these people we know not and not of? why can you not feel the pain of that violent act while i feel too much? can you share my burden, it weighs heavy on my shoulders. distance i need so that i may see clearly and not get lost in the emotion, which too often is the case. i need to find myself. i am lost yet again. this time i didn’t even know i’d lost myself. to what? red.
