when paths diverge

have not felt this way in a while. perhaps i have but have buried it under a million things so that i may forget so that she would forget and hope that that semblance of normalcy will suffice. that she understands. nay i lie to myself. i will be that prodigal daughter for them because i’m not there, because i want a life of my own. tis not a hedonistic life of pleasure i seek but one that my existence demands. yet they do not see it. tis selfish they say. you leave us. you have never cared. you were always this selfish. we were always right about you. erasing a large part of my existence in one fell swoop. know not how i feel. perhaps will not examine the tenderness that i feel. it hurts. terribly. and i know not what to do but cry. i hate crying. i hate that i hurt when wounded. i hate that i get wounded. i hate that i am not inanimate enough to feel the stab of your words. piercing. impaling without caution, without care. because i had wounded you with the path i have chosen. could you not be happy for me? could you rejoice when i do? do you not know how much i miss you? how much i love you? since life is about choices i choose. not the path of least resistance but one that speaks to my heart. i cannot live that life. the life i had. it will kill me. i know it. i was dead. this fell into my lap. you see the smile on my face and think that i am happy because i have left you. but i will never leave you. not when i love you this much. see that. please know that. that even if my life choices lead me away from you, i am there with you. i do not know if ever you will understand. these are choice i make because i want to live a life i can call my own. existing will not do. if you could see the colour of my heart, you will see it is not black. it bleeds red. i know not how to convince you, for i know words carry not their weight in gold. actions do. i hope that one day you will forgive me for my choices. i had to make them. for to surrender would mean to cease to live.

~ by mavj on October 10, 2009.